Fifty Shelves of Grey Page 9

  47

  The Highway Code

  This Highway Code applies to England, Scotland and Wales. It is essential reading for everyone: men, women, older people, younger people, persons neither old nor young, persons neither and/or both male and/or female, drivers, motorcyclists and horse riders. Please note that having sex with a horse is illegal on all British highways. Many of the rules in this code are legal requirements, and if you disobey them you may be fined, given points on your licence or disqualified from having sex altogether.

  Masturbation

  Masturbation is a private activity and should therefore never be undertaken on pavements, zebra crossings, pelican crossings or traffic islands. Masturbation however may be undertaken in designated dogging zones (q.v.) in which case reflective garments should be worn at all times for your own safety. You may masturbate in a parked vehicle provided that the vehicle is your own or you are a designated driver or passenger of the vehicle and the vehicle has not been broken into for these purposes, for example, because you liked the look of the leather and/or velvet and/or other upholstery. Masturbation is also acceptable in traffic jams (with vehicle moving at aggregate speeds of less than 5 mph) but orgasm must only take place when the car is stationary with the handbrake on. You are reminded that the use of mobile phones for the watching of pornography, calling of sex lines or for any other purpose, masturbatory aid or otherwise, is strictly prohibited at all times.

  Sexual Intercourse (Non-Penetrative)

  Sexual intercourse (non-penetrative) is defined as any sexual interaction, not involving penetration, which involves two or more individuals, one of whom is the driver. For the purposes of this Highway Code, rules for all in-vehicle sexual intercourse, penetrative or otherwise, that does not involve the driver are categorized under ‘Other Distractions Whilst in Charge of a Vehicle’. In an urban or built-up area with traffic lights, with a speed limit of 20 mph to 30 mph, and away from box junctions, manual stimulation is permitted, although only the passenger is permitted to climax while the vehicle is in motion. Extreme caution should be taken close to schools and care homes for the elderly, and when the vehicle is preparing to turn right. Along country roads, single carriageway with speed limits of up to 60 mph, it is advisable to take part in sexual exchanges only if you know the road really well. On dual carriageways and motorways, oral intercourse is permitted with additional stimulus from the left hand only. (The right hand is also allowed in conditions of fog.) The driver must maintain a good view of the road at all times. If an orgasm is oncoming please pull into the left ‘slow’ lane.

  Sexual Intercourse (Penetrative)

  Penetrative Sexual Intercourse (vaginal and/or anal) involving the driver is recognized by the Highways Agency as a hazardous activity which must never be undertaken in a moving vehicle. Drivers are encouraged to take advantage of designated dogging areas, as established by the 2010 Byways Usages Act (maps available). Please observe the correct signalling, as follows:

  – Interior lights on, headlights off: onlookers may watch but not participate.

  – Interior lights on, headlights on: onlookers are welcome to join in – knock or hoot for admittance.

  – Interior lights off, headlights on: onlookers are not welcome in any capacity.

  – Interior lights off, headlights off: participants are here by mistake.

  48

  The War of the Worlds

  by

  H. G. WELLS

  After a noisy afternoon trying to get on with the gardening as the Martians continued hammering on their machines and decimating bystanders, I decided to spruce myself up with a cold bath and an invigorating walk to the railway station, followed by tea. I must confess that the sight of all this Martian armament greatly excited me and after we’d finished the cheese course, I suggested to my wife that we might partake in a spot of sexual intercourse.

  She agreed, also feeling somewhat energized by the potential obliteration of humanity. In fact, to my surprise, she insisted upon licking my whirlygigs, an act she hadn’t offered since the late seventies, and, even more outlandishly, she then suggested I occupy her over the piano bench.

  So immersed in our enjoyment were we, that at first we didn’t notice the figure outside the window, it being slightly concealed by a mulberry bush. Indeed, my wife had now flipped over and was trying to lever herself over the top of the pianoforte, while I balanced on one knee, in an attempt to hoist myself up her windward passage. If I hadn’t thought to close the curtains at that very moment I may never have seen it.

  But there it was. Observing us, in flagrante, with its large dark-coloured eyes, which I noticed were placed rather oddly over a sensuous, if lipless, V-shaped mouth. Its oily, brown, gorgon tentacles quivered a little. I gasped. My wife, angling herself to see the source of my surprise, also started, but failed to scream, as I thought she must. The three of us stared at each other for a long hard minute; we all were aware of the awkwardness of this meeting, but none of us seemed able to break the intense eye contact.

  And then our voyeur began to wave an octopus-like tentacle . . . and then another . . .

  ‘By Jove, I think it wants to come in,’ I murmured.

  ‘Go, open the door and allow it passage within. I wish to lie with that Martian’, replied my wife, her countenance solemn. I was surprised. I had not known my wife to be such a bobtail in all our marriage and so I obeyed.

  A few moments later, we were gathered together; Man, Woman, Martian, devouring one another’s bodies with feverish eyes. And then we moved, as one, and fell upon each other; a lustful hand upon a full breast, a curious tentacle caressing a penis, a lipless mouth biting a rosy buttock, which I thought might hurt but didn’t. Our consummation was rapacious and peculiar. When we’d finished, we lay together until midnight, when the Martian suddenly oozed to its feet, donned my morning coat, I suppose as a disguise, and silently slid back out into the night, setting fire to the summerhouse as it left.

  49

  Sonnet 18

  by

  WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE

  Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?

  Thou art a hotter and more tempting mate.

  My lips do suck your darling buds of May

  And I did have my lease on our first date.

  Sometimes too hot your eye of heaven shines

  When round your golden hole my tongue has rimmed

  And when with legs apart you do recline

  Your nature is to leave yourself untrimmed;

  But while the British summer stayest fair

  Then we shall lose possession of our minds

  And make love outside in the open air

  Exposing to the sun our bare behinds.

  So long as I can lie and you can wee

  Be like our summer days and rain on me.

  50

  Fifty Shades of Grey

  by

  E. L. JAMES

  Ana sat on the sofa in the Blue Room of Domesticity and adjusted her slippers. The end credits of So You Think You Can Dance were rolling on the television.

  ‘Hurry up, Christian!’ she called. ‘It’s nearly time for Real Housewives of Beverly Hills!’

  Moments later, Christian came in, wearing his beige fleece dressing gown. There was a smear of dried egg down the front. She’d asked him to give it to her to put in the washing machine she didn’t know how many times. He put the tray he was carrying down on the Ikea coffee table.

  ‘Is that decaf?’ she said, picking up her mug. ‘You know it gives me gas.’

  ‘If you wanted something else you should have said so,’ said Christian. ‘I asked you, like, five times.’

  ‘I couldn’t hear you, I had the TV on.’

  ‘As per usual,’ muttered Christian.

  Ana took a sip of her drink anyway. If she was farting in bed tonight, it wasn’t her problem.

  ‘So . . . do you want to be tied up and beaten later?’ asked Christian.

  Ana bit her lip, but Chri
stian had turned away and was busy sniffing the kitty litter, so he didn’t seem to notice. She checked with her subconscious, but it was having a nap, and her Inner Goddess was doing some Hoovering.

  ‘Do you mind if we skip it tonight?’ she said. ‘I’m premenstrual and really bloated. You know that’s one of my hard limits.’

  Christian didn’t look that disappointed. ‘How about a game of Scrabble instead?’ he said.

  ‘OK,’ sighed Ana. She would have to let him win again. He was such a sore loser.

  ‘So, you know the Red Room of Pain, well I was thinking that this weekend —’ she began.

  ‘You know I’m actually going to be pretty busy this weekend. I thought I should probably mow the lawn around the front moat,’ Christian interjected, worried.

  ‘Relax,’ Ana reassured him, ‘I just thought if you could shift your Nordic skis, which incidentally you haven’t used since last Christmas, then we could convert it into something useful, like a craft room. I mean it’s not like we ever use it any more.’

  Christian shrugged. ‘Whatever,’ he said.

  ‘We could redecorate it. There’s a clearance sale at Macy’s. I have a coupon.’

  ‘Shush,’ he admonished her. ‘The show’s starting.’

  As Christian shovelled a handful of popcorn into his mouth, Ana felt herself missing her single days, and yearned for the comforts of a good book.

  Acknowledgements

  Thanks to Colin, Richard, Michael, Jose, Giorgio, Charlie, Annie, Peggy and Jim, Christylle and Nicholas, Robyn and the Ladies with Punch, and, of course, my excellent editor, Andreas.

  Index

  A Little Something, usage as euphemism for perverse sexual act 26

  Accessories, embarrassing misjudging of 15, 32

  Adams, Keown, Dixon, Winterburn back four, likeness of masturbation to 10

  Afternoon Delight 93

  Agent Provocateur 72

  Agora 74

  Aguardiente 97

  Ahab, Captain 96

  Airport, tediousness of driving partner to 48

  Amuse-bouche, as in vulva 86

  Anal sex 8, 12, 21, 29, 111, 128

  Anal sex, likened to dark, narrow, smelly, less travelled road 34

  Anderson, Clovis, apocryphal sex work bible of 50

  Anderson, Pamela 103

  Antlers, unlikely use as sex aid of 73

  Aristotle 111

  Arrest, for masturbation during elevenses 19

  Arse licking, as in brown nosing or attempting to gain favour 121

  Arsenal, notoriously boring reputation of 12

  Arsenal, as weapons’ store 123

  Artifice, impossibility of maintaining in gym of 23

  Atomic missiles, erotic potential of 4

  Aunt Esmeralda, as delaying ejaculation 99

  Austerlitz 79

  Back bottom 86

  Back hair 29

  Bagel, as sexual aid 14

  Ball gags 24, 70

  Banana boat, use of as possible escape vehicle 96

  Bathing, lack of interest by Europeans in 32

  Bazooms 15

  Bed, Bath and Beyond, as locus for sex 29

  Bed, Bath and Beyond, unreasonable management of 29

  Beethoven, Ludwig van 31, 106

  Beetroot, as colour comparison to Natasha’s face 78

  Bevelling, as in architectural feature 118

  Bevelling, as in breast swellings 117

  Biscotti, Italian, consumed with dessert wine with Marquis de Vaugoubert in Verona 114

  Black Gate of Mordor, as in anus 9

  Blair, Tony 25

  Blow job 54, 117, 127

  Boden, Johnnie, 101

  Boffing 20

  Boobs 17, 72, 73, 105

  Bould, Steve, exclusion from likeness of masturbation to 10

  Brady, Liam, similarity to making pass at woman 10

  Bratwurst, likened to penis 21

  Breast, unexpected cupping of 32

  Breasts 11, 41, 50, 98, 100, 113, 117, 130

  Breton Crone, dodgy business practices of 18

  Bright, Mark, poor use of elbow of 11

  British summer, likened to being pissed on 131

  Buggery, reader’s attention drawn to 2

  Bustles, erotic rubbing of 31

  Butt plug 122

  Buttocks, silk-clad 81

  Cambridge Circus 91

  Cameron, David, 23

  Cannoli 31

  Carapace, shiny blackness of 69

  Card games: Baccarat, Back Alley 54

  Catalan cordel 97

  Categorical Imperative 85

  Catholic Church, quest against everything that brings pleasure and joy 41

  Catullus 123

  Ceramic tiles 29

  Chambermaid, expertises of 66, 108

  Chardonnay, uselessness in steadying nerves of 72

  Cheerleaders 106

  Cheese course 129

  Cheese, regurgitation of upon first viewing of House of Usher 37

  Chicken wing, throwing of 111

  Chinese balls or Geisha balls as sexual toy 45

  Chippendale sofa 81

  Chisel, as in penis 117

  Christmas jumper, potential sexual fetish 71

  Clay potting, as sexual aide 125

  Clegg, Nick, 23

  Clinton, Bill 25

  Clitoris 85, 109

  Clocks, resemblance to tits 3

  Cock, 3, 4, 23, 62, 63, 72, 92, 105, 119

  Cockroach costumes, major disadvantages of 69

  Co-dependency 54

  Coffin, as inappropriate thing to build under someone’s window before they’re actually dead 59

  Coffin, as useful vehicle for non-deceased to escape irritating family 58

  Company of the Ring, as anal fanatics, 6, 8

  Condoms 50, 72, 122

  Connecting rod, placement in crankshaft of 111

  Contracts, necessity when entering sadomasochistic relationship of 47

  Copulation, banal 77

  Copy centre boy, god-like ability to fuck senior vice president in charge of account liaisons into submission of 28

  Corndog, as experienced choice of snack 110

  Corpses, forgetfulness of to follow decent rules of hygiene 37

  Cramp 36, 98, 99

  Crisps, importance for distracting

  children of 93

  Croissants, consumed with coffee with groundsman in Normandy 114

  Croutons, need to avoid due to gluten intolerance 28

  Crypt as catacomb 118

  Crypt as vagina 117

  Cumbria dialect 117

  Cunnilingus 33, 84, 85, 86, 103, 109, 127

  Cup’ik tribe 110

  Curry, as inappropriate dining choice when expecting houseguest 37

  Darcy, Mr, intolerableness of 107

  Death, resulting from boring air holes in coffin lid 60

  Decisions, ridiculousness of thinking about 47

  Desert robes, as offering easy access for quick wank 89

  De-stapler thingy, lack of appropriate name of 29

  Dexter, sex he does have 56, 57

  Dexter, sex he doesn’t have 56, 57

  Dildo, as dead hobbit 7

  Dildos, as sex toy 44

  Dive, advisability of 86

  Dive, inadvisability of 12

  Disraeli, Benjamin as portrayed in medium of hedge 32

  Dog, not welcome to boff chaps 21

  Dogging 126, 128

  Doily, as safe word 122

  Dolf, the plumber 105

  Draught excluder, likened to penis 62

  Dressing gown, beige, fleece with egg stains 132

  Dressing gown, pink 50

  Dugout canoe, locus of masturbation of 20

  Dung beetles 111

  Dutch, as potentially politically incorrect slang for trouble, though can also refer to people, cheese, or unsuccessful date 17

  Dwarf in raincoat, as unbelievable plot device 17

/>   Ejaculation 12, 51, 66, 83

  Elixir of life, as lubricant and aid for manual masturbation 89

  Elronhubbard, Great Council of 6

  Elvish, genuine and mistranslation 8, 9

  Ely dialect 117

  Emma, sex she doesn’t have 56

  Emma, sex she does have 57

  Epicurus 84

  EverySlacks 4

  Evil 38

  Eye, likelihood of dong taking out 63

  Face fucking 123

  Farmer, as potential sexual partner 100

  Farmhouses, beauty of through exhaust fume haze 110

  Father Christmas, appearance of on boxer shorts 73

  Fear, of death 13

  Fear, of flying 13

  Fear, of high notes in arias 13

  Felching 9

  Fenland 117

  Ferret, likened to nose 63

  Firemen, Bolivian 106

  Fish, likened to motherhood 59

  Florence, rampant lesbianism in 32

  Florentine guild of dominatrices 121

  Ford, Harrison 40

  Fourth-century Joy of Sex manual 103

  French windows, as impediment to sudden need to streak 18

  Fridge, as useful hiding place after awkward transformation into cockroach 70

  Friends, danger as cockblockers of 24

  Front bottom 86

  Fuck club, first rule about 28

  Fuck club, fourth rule about 29

  Fuck club, rules five to seven about 29

  Fuck club, second rule about 28

  Fuck club, third rule about 29

  Fückentrüstencircle 92

  Gardening, disruption of by noisy Martians 129

  Gay group sex 8, 21, 53, 92

  George, Charlie, likened to woman removing top 11

  Giant panda, difficulty in getting erection when thinking about extinction of 120

  God, as code for G-spot 41

  Golden shower 131

  Gollum 7

  Gray, Dorian, sexual desirability of from Dorian Gray 124

  Grazia, magazine 71

  Greatsword, as in massive knob 54

  Greco-Roman wrestling 22